


You're Always On My Mind

by Surakian



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, M/M, Post-Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance, Post-Kingdom Hearts II, Pre-Kingdom Hearts III, Romance, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-21 03:10:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16151294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surakian/pseuds/Surakian
Summary: A brief look through Riku's POV during the year Sora slept, the week they were back home on Destiny Islands, and during a break between their separate travels.When Riku was younger, he longed to grow up and be an adult. He hated being trapped, unable to go to the places he wanted to go or do the things he wanted to do because he was only a child. He always saw adulthood as a form of freedom, but the older he got, the more he realized it was just as much of a trap as being a child was.It was that realization that motivated him to build the raft with Sora and Kairi so they could leave Destiny Islands. He wasn’t a child and he wasn’t an adult, so why not take advantage of that while he could before he was forced to settle for a simple life he would always feel resentment over?Then the storm came.





	You're Always On My Mind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RikasGrayWolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RikasGrayWolf/gifts).



When Riku was younger, he longed to grow up and be an adult. He hated being trapped, unable to go to the places he wanted to go or do the things he wanted to do because he was only a child. He always saw adulthood as a form of freedom, but the older he got, the more he realized it was just as much of a trap as being a child was.

It was that realization that motivated him to build the raft with Sora and Kairi so they could leave Destiny Islands. He wasn’t a child and he wasn’t an adult, so why not take advantage of that while he could before he was forced to settle for a simple life he would always feel resentment over?

Then the storm came.

And then he was locked behind a door.

...and then he had to watch his best friend sleep for a year.

There were moments when he wished he could return to being a child after that. Everything was easier. He didn’t have to struggle. He didn’t have to feel regret or sorrow. 

Sora would be awake, there for him to race against or play-fight with. They could go with Kairi and the other kids and toss around one of the old, bumpy Blitzballs after school or sneak off in their boats to the island they claimed as their own. They could snorkel in the coral reefs and find seashells, climb the tallest trees in the small forest on the backside of the island and look out as far as they could see for more places to explore.

He could walk Sora home as the stars started coming out, taking their time walking on the sand by the shore. They could talk about everything—about what worlds made up Orion’s belt, what adventures they would have just outside the Milky Way, who they would meet while sailing through infinite galaxies...what their futures would be like on these distant worlds and what they would end up doing when they finally grew up.

“I’d be a sailor,” He’d imagine Sora jutting his fist out like he was some swashbuckling hero with a sword. “They are always super cool! Imagine a world full of them!”

Riku would sigh—this would be the fifth thing Sora said he wanted to be this week alone. “Didn’t you want to be a pirate yesterday?”

Sora’s shoulders would rise and fall in an easy shrug. “Yeah, but Wakka said pirates are always bad guys and I want to be a hero.”

“You could be a good pirate. Dive in, rescue a princess from an evil pirate, steal from the corrupt and give to the poor.”

“That doesn’t sound like a pirate at all...”

“A superhero, then.”

“That isn’t a superhero, either!” Sora’s smile would be as easy as it always is, unbothered by Riku’s joking. They’d spend a few moments messing around, shoving each other and kicking up sand at each other, laughing as though they’d never laugh again. “Come on, Riku. Forget about me! you still haven’t told me what you want to be.”

Riku would stop walking for a moment and look up at the dark navy sky, slowly fading into an inky black. The stars would twinkle out an answer, speaking to Riku in a language he could never decipher, leaving him with nothing to say.  _What do I want to be?_

He could imagine all of this easily, after all it was just a combination of so many similar moments spent with Sora in the past. These moments were always so easy to come by, and yet…all he could do now was live with the regret of things unsaid, of mistakes made, of moments lost.  

_I wish—_

Riku could do nothing else but lean his head against the white pod where Sora slept, closing his eyes to block out the stifling void of the vacant pod room, feeling older than words could describe. 

Perhaps being Sora’s protector would be enough.

* * *

Things should have gotten easier when they finally made it back home to their island after defeating Xemnas. Riku had changed so much in the year that Sora slept—he became a better person, somebody that Riku could almost feel proud about being. He helped wake Sora up, protected him and his friends in the shadows, saved the worlds with Sora by his side…

He should have felt better than ever, but instead Riku felt like a ship set adrift with nothing to anchor him.

Riku lost a part of himself over a year ago and lost himself every day that Sora slept. Even though he gained some of himself back when Sora woke up, and more when Ansem’s machine gave him back his original form, there was still a part of him that lingered in the darkness. During the day, though, he could easily ignore it. How could anybody lose sight of themselves when faced with Sora’s bright smile, jubilant laughter, and unerring trust? 

Sora’s excitement about being back home was impossible to contain. One day he hooked one of his arms to Riku’s, pulling him through the markets to look at all of the new shops and food stalls that had appeared while they were away. With Kairi at the front as their pseudo-tour guide, pointing out the best treats to buy from each stall, and Sora walking around looking ridiculous with a squid skewer in one hand and soft serve ice cream in the other, Riku let himself feel at peace. 

Another day, Sora dragged Riku to the library, flipping through various books aimlessly, rambling on about how the library at the Beast’s castle was much bigger than anything their island housed. (Riku didn’t have the heart to tell Sora that he knew that because he had been there watching over him with Mickey, but he thought it’d be best to keep quiet about that. Sora hid it well, but he was still pretty sensitive about knowing Riku had always been there watching over him but chose not to show himself.)

Today, he dragged Riku to the play island so they could do a round of challenges now that they had spent a year getting stronger and gaining unimaginable powers. Swimming, running, swordplay, climbing. Somehow they fit all of it into one day. Riku’s cheeks and stomach still hurt from laughing as Sora got attacked by a horde of seagulls as he tried snatching one of their eggs from the top of a tree. 

These moments always kept him focused. They were exactly what he dreamed of doing with Sora when he finally woke up. _Maybe we can finally be normal kids again…_

Those moments wouldn’t last, though. Riku dreaded the part of every single one of these days where Sora would hug him tightly before they parted ways to walk back to their respective homes. The guilt and anxiety always set in as soon as Sora was out of his sight. 

Riku stared up at the ceiling of a bedroom he hadn’t slept in for over a year…a place he never thought he’d return to…a place he helped destroy because he was too afraid of a future he couldn’t control…

All of these thoughts swirling in his head would keep him up at night, making him afraid that he’d wake up and find that the island was in ruins again—that he, Sora, and Kairi were split up and it would have been his fault.

On nights like these when he couldn’t force himself to sleep, Riku got up and ran along the shore to tire himself out. Sometimes he’d consider heading over to Sora’s house and waking him up, but Riku couldn’t bring himself to burden Sora with this. He already made Sora worry for so long, so there was no need to tell him about this. 

Slowing down to a stop, Riku sat down in the sand, looking up at the night sky in hopes that he might find some sort of answer in them. _I’m just adjusting. I’ve spent the last year fighting, so I have to let myself remember what it is like to be safe and at home again,_ Riku told himself as he slowly inhaled the cold, salty air in an attempt to calm his frayed nerves. _Sora’s awake, Kairi’s safe, the worlds aren’t in danger…_

Fingers gripped roughly at the sand beneath them as Riku’s long hair stuck uncomfortably to his face like a wet curtain. The wind kept pushing the silver tresses into the tears rolling down his face, and he wanted nothing more but to chop it all off. 

Nights like these were the ones he could be grateful about Sora not seeing him like this. Crying alone on the edge of dark waters, Riku felt like he’d never get back the part of himself he lost so long ago.

* * *

~~_“My vessel,” Ansem roared._ ~~

~~_“A knight in shining armor,” Shiki teased._ ~~

~~_“Our newest Keyblade Master,” Yen Sid declared._ ~~

* * *

Looking out at golden clouds rolling above verdant hills, Riku felt himself relax. These last few months were spent traveling nonstop with King Mickey in search of the lost Keyblade masters, constantly being faced with threats from lost friends and new foes alike. Taking a moment to just breathe and relax was exactly what he needed. 

Riku felt lucky that they were also able to catch Sora, Donald, and Goofy on one of their rare trips back to Yen Sid’s tower in between their own travels. While King Mickey caught up with his friends, he and Sora decided to relax outside and fill each other in on whatever they didn’t have the chance to during their texts and brief video calls over the last few weeks.

Sora sat next to him as they swung their feet over the edge of the floating island of Yen Sid’s tower, regaling him with a story about his adventures as a full-fledged pirate on Jack Sparrow’s (“It’s Captain Jack Sparrow, Riku!”) ship as they fought against a giant kraken in the midst of a massive storm. They continued trading off tales while on their respective missions—Sora’s seeming to grow more fantastical and magical by the minute—until they both fell into a comfortable silence. It had been so long since they had just sat down together and enjoyed each other’s presence.

It wasn’t home by a long shot, but the stars twinkled brilliantly above their heads and the wind gently brushed against their faces. If not for the smell of wet grass and pine trees, he could almost imagine they were sitting back on their small little island watching the sun set slowly in the horizon.

“Hey, Riku?”

“Hm?”

Sora hesitated briefly, a thoughtful look on his face as he took his time thinking about what he wanted to say. 

“I’ve been wondering what you wanted to do,” Sora turned his head slightly, the shadow of a smile gracing his lips, “Y’know, after we finished saving the worlds and all.”

The question circled in Riku’s mind, bringing back all of his childish insecurities and fears in an instant. “I—I don’t know.” 

Riku shut his eyes, feeling stretched beyond time and space. Panic flooded his body as his heart beat erratically. 

Then through the cold panic threatening to take over his body, he felt a comforting warmth encircle his right hand. 

This was something they had done a thousand times before in the past before everything went wrong. Sora would reach out and take Riku’s hand in his own, and Riku would marvel at how easy it always felt. Their fingers slid perfectly between each other, as though they were made to fit into each other like a puzzle piece. Memories of being younger, sitting along the shore, dreaming of endless adventures beyond the sky and stars pushed though the fear and panic swirling in Riku’s head. 

A few months ago, Riku wouldn’t have even felt worthy of Sora’s easy affection, and certainly the Riku that left the islands so long ago would have pushed it away as if he was better without it. Despite everything, it was because of what happened between them these last few months that they could finally feel comfort in these small moments between each other again.

And Sora—this matured, thoughtful Sora—seemed to understand exactly what thoughts haunted Riku at the moment. 

“Riku, you don’t need to worry about what you’ll do or where you’ll go,” Sora smiled softly, looking out at the twilight-lit horizon. “There is still so much for you to experience out there. Nobody ever knows what they want their future to be like.”

“Aren’t you afraid of that?”

“...I used to be. I was always so scared that you would think I was a loser for not knowing what I wanted out of the future. But then I realized as long as I spend it with you by my side, it doesn’t scare me at all.”

Riku frowned, unsure of how he deserved such devotion—untouched by the years of lies and troubles that lingered between them.

Sora squeezed Riku’s hand, and it felt like he was finally moored at last. Azure eyes looked into aquamarine ones, and Riku felt his heart slow from its erratic beat to something more stable. In Sora’s eyes and honest words, he found the long-sought answers he’d always been looking for.

It was never the stars or the sky that held the answers—not the lies he told himself, nor the roles others gave him.

He only needed to be brave to reach out to the person that mattered the most, and to open up a part of himself that he used to be afraid of showing to anybody.

For the first time ever, Riku cried in front of Sora and it felt like freedom.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift to [RikasGrayWolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RikasGrayWolf). Without her, I would have never found the confidence to post this up on AO3. 
> 
> The title comes from "Wish That You Were Here" by Florence + The Machine. I also took some inspiration from "Singularity" by BTS (V's solo is my religion), "Chikai" by Utada Hikaru, and "Call Out My Name" by The Weeknd while I was writing this.


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